I wasn’t sure why I suddenly had a compulsive need to attempt to grow a mustache and goatee UNTIL the one and only John Hodgman sent me this wonderful mustache comb. Moral of the story: my exceptionally whisker-y facial hair knows the future, and I should listen to it more often. 

Thanks Mr. Hodgman! I look forward to having the finest-groomed mustache at Fordham, thanks to your generosity. 

(Also: anyone reading this who hasn’t read THAT IS ALL, or for that matter, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE and MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE -the complete volumes of world knowledge- I cannot urge you to do so quickly enough. They are three of the funniest books you will ever read.)